So from my previous ramblings about hope you can probably tell it’s an up and down thing with me. More recently I have come to view hope as a double edged sword. If you have hope, that means you are in a state of hoping; meaning you do not yet have that which you hope for…ha. On the other hand if you don’t have hope, you basically have no motivation, nothing to work towards, and nothing to pick you up when you inevitably fall down.
Sigh. This I understand oh so thoroughly. Honestly, over the last three years it is all that I have been doing. I made a decision three years ago that wrecked my view of my life. In the big scheme of things it seems inconsequential: I moved 1,300 miles back home to switch colleges. So, I feel like I need to explain myself a little bit when I use a word like “wrecked”.
I need a second to let myself feel…so that I can more accurately express the height I fell from when I came home. If you have a relationship with God, or ever did have a real one, you should be able to understand this. If not, maybe you can relate it to a different relationship you have had in your life.
God was my all. I delighted in Him, delighted in the innocence and purity He gave me, was comforted by His peace in a way that passes understanding. I was so wrapped in His presence that I saw His love and pursuit for me in the way leaves danced in circles around me in the fall. I was so aware of Him that He spoke to me through nature, through strangers, music, class assignments, books, and His Word. I wanted everything I did in my life to be because of Him, to be in pursuit of Him, to glorify Him. Then I disobeyed Him.
I turned my back on the great adventure Jesus had set before me. I chose to leave this amazing place where I had discovered so much about God, myself, and the people I left back home. I chose to leave the place that I had looked forward to going to for at least five months. That I had for over a year felt the calling on my heart again and again to go to. That my family had spent time and hundreds of dollars preparing me for, traveling with me to, and worrying and praying over me for months to be well at. All over a minor inconvenience in class type and scheduling. Very minor. I hit a bump in the road and I bailed. I just left.
I didn’t realize how wrong I was until I was crying in my car, trying in vain to hide my face from my dad who was driving (he insisted I shouldn’t make the trip on my own). But I think deep inside, I knew before then. As my dad came to the airport to pick me up, he was ecstatic to see me, I could barely fake a smile. Before that I went to turn in my room key, they were always closed and I was beyond irritated: somehow it felt like my heart was breaking. And earlier as I was packing I did so sluggishly. All I could think was that I failed. I was sad. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I just wanted to sulk. So I did. On the car-ride home.
And for at least a year after that.
Then on and off for another year and a half.
That catches us up to the present. Again, I feel I have to say this is a seemingly inconsequential action in the big scheme of things. Switching colleges. Changing locations. What’s the big deal? Well…to me everything. While I didn’t know what I was going to do after my time at that college, everyday I felt closer to God and closer to knowing His plan for me. It was there that I embraced the idea of using my business/accounting degree for Him, in ministry to women who were rescued out of abuse, slavery, hopelessness… When I came home I no longer had a direction. I didn’t know anymore what I wanted to do. Of course the idea of working with women has been explored and planned and thought on. But I figured that would be in the future.
So I spent (or wasted) time wandering. Dropping classes (something I hadn’t done yet in 2 1/2 years of community college and the university). Begging forgiveness for financial aid that was given for those classes (again, new to me). Failing classes. Switching majors not once, not twice, but three times. Switching back to my school, but online (which was part of my original problem). And personally allowing myself to be drawn further and further (and further still) into a world of sin. Failing myself. Failing God (right? I failed Him, right).
And now here I am. Two months away from graduating. Three gen-ed/gen-busn classes to go and I am writing this blog instead of doing the really easy homework I have to do. That was due last week. That for one of the classes would be the first thing turned in (I’m three weeks in). Graduation is so close. Yet I have no ambition. No willingness to do the work to get there. I went from a 3.6 GPA and failure not being an option, to a 2.7 GPA and failure being…eh, what’s new? I have developed more than a few bad habits sense being home (btw, I feel the need to say that I have had jobs for most of my time being back, so it’s not like I was sitting around doing nothing…all the time…). I admit I’m lazy. I am physically drained because I have not taken care of myself at all. I have Spiritually gotten to a place I never imagined I would be in (it’s not a good one). I guess all of this is to say that I don’t know how to get back on my feet. I’m making it through each day, going to work. Sometimes doing the schoolwork I need to. But I literally have no ambition. I do not want to work for the things I want.
To me they feel unattainable. Maybe I feel that whatever I do, it won’t matter. Because I have already failed. In my head, I know that’s not true. I know that what happened in the past can’t be changed. I know that what I do today and tomorrow is what matters. I know that I can still make my life what I want it to be. I’m not sure what that is, and I’m not sure what God wants it to be either. I know that the change has to come from within me though. That is one thing I know for sure. I know that my heart can’t stay broken like it is or I’ll never move on. I also can’t wish and long and hope for change and be heartbroken when it doesn’t come about because I didn’t do anything to get there. But how do I work hard with an already broken heart? Something inside me has to give. Something has to stop fighting against everything that is true and good and just do right.
I’m not one who likes to complain without offering a solution, so if you have one, please, comment. Let me know. I’ll try it and then we will see. What happens next? I’ll write again when I find out. But really, something has got to give.