Through all of my ups and downs these last few years…there was never a moment where God wasn’t considered. When I triumphed it was because of Him, when I dove into the staggering depths of evil it was Him I was held accountable to. Trying to ignore Him is ignorance at it’s worse. It creates a kind of numbness that subtly gnaws at conscience until you either explode or end it all, unable to bear the weight.
This makes me consider Adam and Eve. The tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Without this knowledge we would neither be ignorant, nor sinful. As God intended, we would be shameless, sinless. But Adam and Eve, us, chose knowledge. We didn’t know how good we had it. We didn’t want to seem stupid, and we didn’t want to feel left out. So we chose knowledge. “Knowledge is power.” But is it? I suppose it allows us to look at things from different angles, to make the best decision, or the worst. And one could argue whether or not free will exists without knowledge. How can we choose if we don’t know the choices?
Anyway, I’m getting a little off topic. Another discussion for another time. What’s relevant here is that we have free will. I have free will. Every decision was my own. Every wrong choice, ignorant choice, selfish choice. That’s all on me. I chose this life for myself. Maybe not all at once. And I definitely wouldn’t have made the same decisions if I had known where they would lead. But still…I don’t really know where I’ll end up. Will all of this self-inflicted pain be worth it? Will continuing on this journey of highs and lows and sacrifice and mistakes be worth it? Will there come a day when I look back and see things clearly? Where my wrongs are made right and my mind is drenched in holiness again?
I was listening to a song before this one came on tonight. It was by an artist I loved back when I felt the whole world was at my fingertips. It’s strange how strong a memory can be. It completely captivated me on the car ride home. Window down, cool air blowing through the windows, and my heart aching for a moment years ago. It made me feel how I felt then, like if I just closed my eyes and opened them, I’d be right back there. In my old car, windows down, different place, different time, different me…
Is God not the same God now that He was then? Only my decisions have skewed my view of Him. Isn’t He unchanging? And why shouldn’t my praise be just as unchanging? No matter how damaged I think I am, God is no different than the God who romanced me years ago.
I’m the one who has changed.
And will it be worth it?
Will I come full circle in a way I never imagined? Will I emerge from this darkness with a knowledge of God I would have never had otherwise? I chose this. Is there relief for a heart burdened by its own self?
I hope so. If nothing else, I know He is worthy. No matter my choice. He, His name, His praise, will ever be on my lips. No matter how filthy they are, no matter how unjust. He is worthy. No matter who I am.